To see the reaction of an adolescent man walk down the family stairs to room that was once lit full of conversation now fall to a deafening silence because of a truth that was kept from him by the family filled my soul and my whole being with something words cannot describe. Breaking the silence was an awkward display of body language and the customary questions that would only warrent one word answers.the questions were quickly met,then a hasty retreat was made by the young man. none of this was apparent to the anyone because the ritual had become common place,a world to witch they now reside. How do i protect,who do i protect? I was welcomed into the family with open arms but along with their idea of love a tumour also hung off each of them that only i could see. I percervierd and tried to look past the growth as you would look past anyones imperfections, but it weigned heavy and took its toll. I began to resent but i loved too. I could see behaviours that fell out of line, habbits that are just ….odd, I knew my anger was directed at the victims but who else could it possibly land on? I broke rank, I cracked, my love for them all overbared my want to have their approval. I lost everything but nothing.
Been male and abused as a young child by a neighbour and my first friend i believe has altered my mental network.
Now 30 and have never told anyone what happened, i have experienced failed relationships with friends family,partners,work and i struggle particularly with my son along the way. The biggest relationship problem is with myself. My marriage breakdown was and still is the toughest pill to swallow and the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I began to realise evan if,”it just wasnt meant to be”, these people where coming into my life based on decisions i have made using the mental network thats using previous experiance to guied me to my apparent safety. Is this making sence?
We all carry our worries around dont we. so think of a bag,it can be any design its your bag. Try it on,how does it feel? Ok now collect all you wories and problems and put them neatly into the bag. How does it look and feel now? Noe you can carry all your problems round with you in a pretty awaome looking bag. Dont for get though when ever you want you can put this bag down for a while with all your problems safely inside of it while you go take a break from them. You can also look through the stuff in the bag from time to time and perhaps accept some of the contents for what it is and put it back in or realise is not an issue anymore and throw the problem away.the bags contents will grow and diminish over time but now you have the option to take the bag off and have a rest from it for a little while too.
I have always been interested in the way that people tick,you can ask a group of ten people one question and each one will have a different answer.
but what if you where asked a question that paralysed your mental network and gave you goose bumps for a second, then a preconceived answer came out without your consent that was socially acceptable and finished your time in the limelight. Is that just a shy persons reaction,inexperience or something much deeper
During a divorce my breakdown began, i needed help,private therapy and anti-depressants kept my head in the game and a mask helped me hide the pain.
The doctors said i have hypervigilance and show signs of PTSD.
Facing challenges in life and having family support, i knew i could get through it. That was until I called upon the mental networks to see who or what is responsible for this hurt.
Therapy gave me Selfhelp and CBT amongst other powerful tools to help bring out the underlying issues. But this is a personal journey and you have to put in the work.
Anti-depressants, along with the new sensations of the sideeffects, begain to slow the constant chattering of the mental network and lower their voices. My theropy was giving me the tools to peer into the vessel known as subconscious. This is where ancient mental network resides,those that have all the prior teachings,those you use automatically and think of so highly that you would never challenge their motive or reason.
I call it the mental network because i believe we live our lives through experiences and upbringing, and these experiences and upbringings talk to one another, i.e. a network, in the hope of keeping us safe.
If we can collect our network of experiences and upbringings in to a file we can see what makes us tick, why we behave the way we do and what influences decision.
Because this is your mental network, another person cannot question how you act without affending you and your network. I believe only the individual can address the network and call upon the experiances and upbringings responsible for a decision.
So im gonna use this platform to help me and many others understand how we perceive whats goin on outside our eyes.
Every single individual on earth perceives the world differently to one another depending on personal experience and upbringing. this idea already covers a broad specturm,a hazy cocktail of influences, be it relegion,culture, colour or creed. all this and more before your evan mature enough to understand why these things matter to you.
Time goes by and we get older,new influences and choices will join in to the mix. Education,friendships,Careers and relationships.
Milestones are reached and mistakes are made to learnt from. You can stand back and take a look at your achievements.
But what if something was thrown into the mix early on that changed your path,how you react and your attitude towards making decisions forever,and you only just found out about it.